Notes From the Undergrads (story)

“Holy shit, guess who fucking messaged me today”
“No idea”
“Elaine. fucking. Bunter”
“That brainy bitch from psych?”
“With the gloves”
“She’d wear green gloves every day”
“Even in the summer”
“And put her hair in three pony tails”
“I know!”
“Winter gloves in the summer”
“Anyway, get this”
“What?”
“She’s getting married”
“FUCK! To who? Don’t fucking tell me it’s Jordan Stein”
“No”
“Sheldon Hougland?”
“No”
“Will you just fucking tell me already!? I’m pissing my goddamn pants”
“Steven. Philano”
“AHHHH!”
“I know!”
“Doesn’t he have a fucking tail!?”
“Uh yeah, duh”
“Their kids are going to be FREAKS!”
“We need to get pictures of their kids”
“If not the kids themselves”
“We would be such great parents for them”
“Chyeah, I know”
“Those kids would totally shed all imperfections and become kind, generous people”
“But they wouldn’t take no shit”
“Of course not!”
“We should train them in martial arts”
“And philosophy or whatever”
“So what else did Elaine say?”
“Oh just a bunch of shit about how she’s ‘turning a new leaf’”
“Ew”
“Steven Philano really ‘turned her life around’”
“Double ew!”
“Anyway, she wants to see us”
“Triple ew!
“I know”
“Your life’s not like some fucking coming of age movie”
“That’s 80 years long”
“She’ll probably spout some bullshit about forgiving us”
“And mention jesus”
“And have an ipod playing inspirational music”
“And a camera crew”
“She’s horribly in debt from making this movie”
“‘But the world must see it!’”
“‘You don’t understand!’”
“I hope she’s like 400 pounds”

“It looks fake”
“Yeah, but when people say that it’s because they’re thinking of something fake that was made in the image of the actual thing”
“Yeah, that’s what fake is”
“So really it looks real”
“Okay…”
“Because it is real, this is a photograph”
“Okay, whatever, who gives a shit?”

“Holy shit I look like old Glenn Close”
“Well, you are 24…”
“Don’t fucking remind me”
“It’s true!”
“So are you, bitch!”
“At least I don’t look like Glenn Close”
“She played Cruella De Vil”
“Twice!”
“I look like a cow that just exploded”
“Like that agent guy from the matrix movies”
“Can’t I just get surgery or something?”
“Seriously, what have you done to your face?”
“Maybe I should’ve stayed inside more”
“Yeah, the sun is really bad for your skin”
“And your clothes”
“It degrades the fabric”
“Ugh! I blame my mother for this. Not only is it her gene pool, but when we were kids she’d always tell us to ‘go outside and play’”
“Why didn’t she say ‘stay inside and read’?”
“Or ‘buy some clothes online’?”
“Or ‘go fly a kite’? That sounds kind of nice”
“Ugh. Will I ever get fucked?”
“What about that guy from the other night?”
“He was the agent guy from the matrix”
“Not to mention the only single guy in a twelve mile radius”
“Remember that 16 year old drop dead gorgeous babe last year?”
“Oh my god, when I saw his car I just about died”
“Yeah, we had to take you to the ER”
“I know! I’m still paying for that shit”
“But anyway I just thought that kid was funny considering…”
“You mean that he was married?”
“Yeah, and had a kid”
“Like what is this the year 1202?”
“There’s no way they were in love”
“They probably had the kid first”
“And their parents made them keep it and get married”
“AGH! Life over!”
“Do people not realize you can totally just get fucked for your whole life without getting married?”
“No! They get serious!”
“Have to make it official”
“In the lord’s eyes”
“GAG!”
“Do you have any smokes?”

“Get me the fuck out of this town”
“Fuck, I know”
“Pittsboring”
“Uh!”
“I know”
“I’m absolutely amazed”
“I know!”
“Like how many fucking farmers’ markets do we need?”
“To feel good enough about ourselves”
“Or pollinator gardens”
“Or bumper stickers that say ‘STOP GLOBAL WARMING!’”
“Like I’d be like ‘oh, okay, yeah, I’ll get right on that’!”
“Does anyone realize that 95% of the population is still fucking shopping at walmart?”
“And 100% of the population is still fucking burning mountaintops in their coffee makers?”
“Oh, but it’s fair trade coffee”
“Organic”
“GAP certified”
“Piedmont grown”
“I swear if there’s one more goddamn ass label to paste onto a goddamn sugar-filled candybar I’ll literally take an axe to every tree in this county”
“Animal welfare approved”
“You know what, there’s enough labels already. I’m going to do it”
“Ugh”
“Do you have an axe? I literally want to know if you have an axe”
“You can help those chatham park meatheads”
“Where is the nearest literal axe?”
“Maybe you can get some funding from slow money”
“UUUUGH! Get. Out!”
“What’s wrong with slow money?”
“How about some fast shut the fuck up?”
“What’s the harm in a bunch of white people throwing money at each other?”
“Okay. I need to calm down. I’ll admit that. But when the fucking ice age comes and no one can drive a car or turn on a computer, before I even think of what life is going to be like or if I’ll be in any way safe the first thing I’m doing is fucking leaving this goddamn ass town”
“Okay. We’ll go together”
“And join a mad max gang”
“Deal”

“Hey”
“Hey”
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing”
“Are you still sick?”
“Okay, I’m not doing nothing. I’m sitting on the bathroom floor waiting to puke again”
“Ah! Don’t tell me that!”
“You asked”
“Why did you ever eat those weird plants?”
“I don’t know, I was just trying to be cool”
“By ingesting bacteria?”
“It was collard greens!”
“Yeah from a farmer! Those people are dirty”
“Yeah….”
“What do you mean “yeah”? They literally work in the dirt all day. That’s an objective truth”
“I don’t care who you are, some of those people were downright attractive”
“Like they’d be like ‘Wow, look at that girl! She’s eating our food!’”
“Yeah…”
“‘I want to marry her!’”
“Only to soon discover she hates the outdoors”
“And only eats spaghetti”
“Fuck you!”
“Okay okay, and salt”
“Ugh!”
“Sorry”
“It’s fine, I’m not ‘Ugh’ing at you”
“So what is it?”
“Well maybe it’s just that I’m sick, but sometimes I think this is total bunk-ass bullshit”
“What is?”
“Everything!”
“Could you be more specific?”
“Like… the only reason I fucking ate that green shit was because I felt like if I did I’d belong and feel good. And now I’m sick and I don’t. And basically like the same sort of shit happens all the time, even when I’m just like… doing whatever”
“Wow…”
“What?”
“That’s deep”
“Shut up”
“No really. Nobel Prize shit”
“…”
“Put some inaccessible flowery language into that little speech of yours, make it 200 pages, and you’ve got a goddamn Nobel Prize”
“Can you ever take me seriously, you cunt!?”
“…”
“…”
“Sorry”
“Thank christ there’s a tiny bit of sympathy still left in there…”
“I was just kidding. Do you want me to come over there or something?”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll just eat some more fucking spaghetti or something”

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